16. Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit."
15. His degree, from the Wile E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an
*honorary* degree.
14. Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks
in their mouth.
13. His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.
12. Can't launch the ol' rocket in front of an audience, if you
know what I mean.
11. Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy
Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise."
10. The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose
ring.
9. Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when
the 1812 Overture begins.
8. Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message:
"Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."
7. He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a brewery.
6. Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer
Swilling Pigs Begins"
5. Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from
NASA!"
4. Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.
3. He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.
2. Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time
he lights a fuse.
and the Number 1 Sign You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert...
1. For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases
kids around.
Edited by Frozentech, 17 October 2005 - 04:01 AM.
