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[Steve]

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and says to the shepherd:

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"

So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.

Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturised printer.

Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You can take one of the sheep."

He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not?" answers the young man.

"That's easy," says the shepherd, "You're a consultant."

"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"

"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

































A woman is driving home after a night out, bombing down the motorway at 100 mph, when she is pulled over by an officer in a patrol car. He approaches the driver's window.
'Are you aware that you were exceeding the speed limit just now, Madam?'
'Well, no, but i'm very sorry,' she replies.
'I'm afraid I'll have to ask to see your documents,' says the officer.
'But I haven't got any,' she says,'This isn't my car.'
'I see, Madam,' he says. 'You've borrowed it?'
'No, I stole it. It actually belongs to my boss.'
'And does your boss know that you have taken his car?'
'I shouldn't think so, I've killed him and put him in the boot.'
At this point the police officer starts to look a little alarmed and asks the woman to step out of the car. He tells her to wait, and strides back towards his own car to use the radio. As he does so, the woman calls after him, 'I don't normally behave like this, but i've had lots to drink!'
About ten minutes later a Police Inspector turns up.
'Good evening, Madam,' he says warily. 'I understand that you are driving a stolen car.' The woman looks amazed.
'No, of course not,' she says, producing her documents from her handbag, 'Look - here's my logbook.'
The Inspector examines the papers and turns to look at the other officer.
'But you have confessed to committing a murder, and hiding the body in the boot of your car.'
'Good God, no,' she says, flinging open the boot, 'Do I look like a murderer?'
More frowning from the Inspector.
'But my officer here tells me that you've admitted to drinking and driving. Is that true?'
By this time the woman is looking completely gobsmacked.
'No, of course not,' she cries, 'You can breathalyse me if you like.'
The Inspector does so and finds that the result is negative.
'I'm sorry Madam,' he says finally, 'I was acting on information received from this officer here.
'Oh for Heaven's sake,' she says, 'I suppose he told you i was speeding, too!'

































An old man and an old woman sit outside their nursing home discussing their lives so far.
"What do you miss the most from your youth", the woman asks, "And don't say sex because i'm too old for that!"
" I don't miss sex as such", the old man replies, "Just somebody holding the little chap now and then."
So the two forge an agreement that the old woman will hold the old mans wedding tackle for a few minutes each day after lunch. This goes on for a few months until one day the old woman comes out after lunch and the man is nowhere in sight. As he is getting on in his years, she starts to worry and searches high and low for some time before she notices the top of his head behind a bush at the foot of the garden. She walks down and finds him sat with another old woman holding his tackle.
" You dirty, two timing swine", the old woman exclaims, "What has she got that i haven't?"
"Parkinsons" the old man replies.