19 replies to this topic

[RichardEvans]

Whats the quickest way into town... are you walking or driving?

Driving.

Well that's the quickest way.



What's the quickest way to the hospital?

Go into the local pub, and pee in someones beer.

[The Legendary Graham]

Bloke goes into a shop and asks for a tin of cat food the guy behind the counters says "only if you show me your cat" the bloke thinks bit weird this but my cat is hungry id better do as he says, so he fetches his cat in shows it to the shop keeper, shop keeper gives him his tin of cat food and away he goes.
Next day the guy goes to the shop again and this time asks for a tin of dog food, the guy behind the counter says "only if you show me your dog" so home he goes again and fetches his dog "here is my dog" says the man and the shopkeeper hands him a tin of dog food.
Next day the guy goes back to the shop again this time he has a carrier bag with him, he walks upto the shopkeeper and says to him "here put your hand in this bag" the shop keeper complies and says "uurrgghh its all squelchy" to which the man replies "can i have some bog roll please"

[Gillard]

An ice cream van was found in an car park yesterday. When the police arrived, they found its own dead in the back of the van. His face was covered in chocolate sauce, coated in sugar strands and with a flake sticking out of his mouth...... the police think he topped himself.

[fredbert]

Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea.

"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without changing his facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.

Ten minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries.

When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9.....

then suddenly the guy busts out laughing!
Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.

Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened.

"You only had one more berry to shove up your ass, and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"

"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"

[Mortartube]

Just before my Grandad died, my Nan covered his back with lard. He went downhill really quickly after that.


Thank you Milton Jones.

[Mortartube]

A guy said to me, "Do you want to buy a door that keeps swinging open"?

I said "Where's the catch"?

He said "There isn't one".

I said "That's why it keeps swinging open then".

[pyroduck7]

this a "your mum" joke

your mum is so stupid she calles you a son of a bitch!

your mum is so fat hur blood type is ragu

[wjames]

that joke was terrible....really really terrible.

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

[Gillard]

these are not jokes, but they are funny
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you **EDIT**tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.

[Gillard]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

[kcnkickthecat]

What did the pyro name his daughter...?


...Me shell.


Ba-doom, ch... *silence as a tumbleweed crosses camera*

[kcnkickthecat]

Here's a marginally better one...


What has a hundred balls and f**ks rabbits?


A shotg*n!

[Gillard]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[RFD]

Jim gets invited by his mate Dave for a evenings duck shooting at his pond,at the appointed time they meet up and off they go.
On arriving Dave points out that they will have to park quite a long way away from the pond so as not to scare any ducks and to save a long walk for nothing he"ll send the dog to go and have a look first.
Jim's a bit surprised by this but didn't want to give his host the hump,so off the dog goes disappearing into the distance and comes back ten minutes later to then sit down and bark once,Dave starts to apologize saying theres only one duck and its not worth walking all the way for one duck.
Jim's pretty skeptical about this and asks if its ok if he goes and has a look,sure enough after a bloody hard walk Jim gets to the pond to see one duck flying off,Jim's gob smacked at how smart the dog is and on getting back to Dave trys to buy the dog of him,Dave's having none of it but does mention that they pass the dog breeder on the way home.At the breeders he"s only got one dog left and wants to keep it,but Jim's desperate to have the dog and basically parts with a second mortgage to get it,a month later Jim gets another invite and decides to take the new dog,bout an hour to go Dave rings to say he"s been called into work but Jim's welcome to go on his own,at the parking spot Jim lets the dog out and off the dog goes down the pond,10 min later the dogs pounding back up the field as if its arse is on fire runs upto Jim and starts humping his leg for all its worth then lets go and picks up a stick and starts running in circles,Jim's incensed by this and grabs the mutt and chucks it in the van and screams round to the breeder.
at the breeders Jim makes it plain if he does"nt get the money back fidos gonna get shoved right where the sun does"nt shine,the breeder asks what happened and when Jim explains the breeder starts laughing,this realy presses Jim's "tilt button"And he goes off on one,the breeder eventualy calms Jim down and points out that all the dog was saying was that there are more f***ing ducks than you can throw a stick at.

[defective]

when can you tell if a farmer is good at his job?.............................. when he`s out standing in his field.